


despite everything, i still love you

by PeculiarHeadphones



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, I cried while writing this, Moving On, all that sad stuff, btw jd is ded if you couldnt already tell, letting go, mentions of a toxic relationship, sorta - Freeform, this takes place abt two years after the whole ordeal, well not sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 01:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10322537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeculiarHeadphones/pseuds/PeculiarHeadphones
Summary: Veronica looks back on her time with J.D, and questions why she just can't let him go.





	

Despite the time that has passed, the world still seemed different. Weird, huh? How long had J.D. been in her life? About a week? Not even? Yet still, the world had changed, and her along with it. The changes were subtle, but they were there. She had to take a pause before lighting up her cigarette. The air itself around her felt empty. Cherry slushies had a bittersweet taste to them(when she could bring herself to drink one).

 

How these changes affected her varied day to day. Some days, she couldn’t help but smile in remembrance, a bittersweet nostalgia washing over her, laughing to herself. ‘What a fucking idiot.’ she would think, how could anyone be as stupid as he was? Other days, the second she noticed she would break down. She would hide away in her room until that aching tug at her heart stopped. Her thoughts would become incoherent, praying to whatever god there was that for once in her miserable life she could have a chance to start over. 

 

He was toxic to her, she knew that. She knew he was a terrible person and yet she couldn’t help but cling to the idea that she could’ve helped him. If she had met him sooner she could’ve led him away from the path he went down, he never had a chance in hell. He was so toxic to her but she still missed him and it wasn’t fair it wasn’t fair it wasn’t fair it wasn’t fair it wasn’t fair it wasn’t fair _ it wasn’t fair. _

 

Sometimes she had dreams of them having the type of normal life he would’ve made fun of. They would be married, living in a white picket fence house with three kids. And they would be happy. All the bad stuff would have never happened. They wouldn’t have ever killed anyone and they would be far away from Westerburg. How pathetic is that? Wishing for something so simplistic, yet is so far away.

 

The scab she once kept in her locket, for awhile after that she had thought it silly. But...watching J.D. blow up, she remembered why. That lurking suspicion that she had back in kindergarten, that it wouldn’t last. After he blew up, she found a piece of his bloody skin. She still has it. Sometimes it helps to calm her, to imagine him next to her, to imagine they had a normal life together. Others, it reminded her of her mistakes, of his mistakes, of what all had transpired back then, of a cruel society that never even gave him a chance.

 

She had seen his father the other day, and came to the conclusion that though she had never wanted to kill anyone, and that she regretted those she had, she knew she would be able to kill him with a smile on her face. Of course, she didn’t. She had broken down crying, and looked up to see the sick bastard  _ smirking. _ She knew what he was thinking. “ _ Aw, are you sad about your little boyfriend? Sad how he turned out to be? You’re welcome.” _ Had he ever had any remorse about what happened to his son? Did he know he was responsible for what had happened to him? She didn’t get out of bed for three days after that encounter, each time she lifted the blankets from over her head she smelled the smoke from her cigarette and remembered  _ him. _

 

Despite everything, she knew she couldn’t fully blame J.D. for how he turned out. His mother had been the only thing keeping him from going over the edge, from slipping into that cruel darkness, but she wasn’t strong enough. She didn’t stick around long enough to teacher her son that the world was so, so, cruel, but at the same time, so, so, beautiful. His father had been beckoning him to the other side, practically tell him to throw his life away, telling him that life is war, that he won’t be happy unless he becomes just like him. 

 

Finally able to convince herself to get out of bed, she walked over to her desk and sat down. She sighed, picked up her pen and began to write.

 

_ ‘Dear diary, _

_ I don’t know how to explain it. I can’t begin to explain you the ache that throbs within me is slowly growing larger. The changes that once seemed to be so subtle now are practically life changing. Why do I long for something I know I can never have, for something I shouldn’t want. He was toxic, I had even tried to kill him!  _

 

_ Even so, some days I  wake up and expect him to be next to me, and we continue to live some happy apple pie life and nobody ever tries to hurt us and we have never killed everyone and he still believes there’s hope for society and- _

 

_ I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I? These fantasies are like the ones that every little girl has, but the difference is it’s still a possibility for them, me? A part of me died along with J.D. _

 

_ What do I do? What  _ can  _ I do? I can’t talk to Martha about it, I can’t tell either of the living Heather’s, I know once I mention his name, I mention everything and the next thing I know I’m thrown in jail. Please help me, or kill me, whichever is easiest.’ _

 

She went about her day as best she could, got some groceries, called up Martha for a few minutes, called her parents, went to class, and even still, those tiny voices in the back of her mind forced her to notice those little things that reminded her of J.D. and the (extremely) short amount of time they had together before everything started going to hell.

 

The only time she ever caught a break was when she slept, and even then nightmares would still occasionally haunt her and remind her of her sins. Some nights she would avoid it, in spite of knowing being awake would be just as bad or worse if she were to have nightmares. Tonight, she was so fed up with the world she didn’t care. She slipped under her covers and after about an hour, finally drifted off to sleep.

 

She had learned to recognize that whenever she saw J.D. right in front of her, she was either having a  _ really  _ bad day or dreaming. They were on the roof of the school, and he sat with his feet dangling off the edge. He looked over his shoulder to see her and smiled. He put out his cigarette and patted the spot next to him. Hesitantly, she walked over and sat next to him.

 

“So…” She started, then found herself unable to find any words to continue.

 

“Three weeks without a slushie? Really? If I had to go three weeks without one I’d kill myself.” He joked. She would never admit, but she missed his laugh.

 

“Believe me, I’ve thought about it.” She replied sadly.

 

He stayed silent, so she filled the quiet with a question.

 

“So why are you here? Usually my dreams about you are about you blowing yourself up or convincing me to do another murder.” She waited for him to respond, when he didn’t, she continued. “I miss you, you know. I don’t know why, really, but I do. So much it hurts.” 

 

Finally, he spoke once again.

 

“What do you mean? Of course you know why you miss me.” She knew what he was referring to, and looked away from him, taking a sudden deep interest in her shoes. 

 

“You blame yourself partially, don’t you? You think to yourself ‘If I had gotten to him sooner, I could’ve saved him. We could’ve been happy and healthy and he would still be alive.”

 

She stayed quiet.

 

“You realize you had no control over it, right? It wasn’t your fault. I wish we could’ve met earlier in life, I wish you could’ve shown me that there was more to life than what my old man taught me. I wish you could have saved me. But wishing won’t do any good, what’s done is done, we can’t change that.” 

 

Veronica looked up at him, noticing how his brown eyes had captured the light, making them look as if they were made out of gold. She missed his eyes.

 

“Why can’t I just move on? You were a dick, and you’re dead, nonetheless. So why?” She spoke softly, her voice cracking, tears welling up in her eyes. J.D. threw an arm around her, tucking her head into his chest. He kissed the top of her head gently as she lightly sobbed.

 

“Did you ever get the  _ chance  _ to move on?” He asked. Veronica raised her head, looking up at him once more. She pondered what he meant for a bit, and shook her head.

 

“That’s what I thought.” J.D. stood up and walked away from the edge. He turned back to Veronica. 

 

“I have to say, I’m honored, of all the guys in the world and I’m the only one on your mind.” He chuckled. “How does the saying go? ‘It’s better to have loved and lost, to never have loved at all’?”

 

Veronica stood up and walked towards him, stopping once she was only about three feet away from him. 

 

“I-” she was cut off.

 

“I already know what you’re going to say, but now isn’t the time. You know what you have to do.” She nodded.

 

“Well, it’s almost time to go now.” He smiled at her, and she could see the tears in his eyes.

 

“Wait, no no no no , please, please don’t go, don’t leave me again, please-” he stepped forwards and pressed his finger to her lips.He pulled her into a tight hug, and she could feel him lightly sobbing. She could feel his remorse, his regret, his pain. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “Wish I had the chance to tell you before I, you know, but better late than never.”

 

“I’m sorry too.” She whispered.

 

And then she woke up.

 

Thankfully, she didn’t have work today or tomorrow, so she hopped in her car and sped all the way back to Westerburg. Out of all of her moping, she had realized never had time to properly grieve. She had skipped his funeral and had never even visited his grave. How had she not thought of this sooner?  Once she had finally arrived at the cemetery, she was grateful that nobody else was there. It took about ten minutes to find his grave. 

 

She sat down, unsure of what to do, then an idea came to mind. She came here to grieve, right? So that’s what she did. She cried. She cried and screamed out all of the pain she had been bottling up since he died. She cried about how much she hated him and how much she hated herself and how much she hated that she didn’t hate him. After what must have been a half an hour the tears finally came to a halt. She lied down next to the grave and just started talking. About her life, about how much she missed him, about anything that came to mind. 

 

She broke out in laughter, staring up at the sky. She could feel his presence. She could hear him telling her things would be okay, telling her he was sorry he didn’t treat her better, sorry things had turned out as they did. Despite everything, she knew he had cared deeply for her. She wished that he had gotten a chance to prove it. But then again, hadn’t he? His last moments were spent trading his life for hers.  She turned her head to face the gravestone and caressed the cold stone. She smiled weakly.

 

“You know,” she began, but paused, looking for the right words to say.

 

“Despite everything, I still love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> i dont support this ship(bc its toxic and all) but i cant help but get sad that these two never got a happy ending.
> 
> ive seen the movie 104 times and the musical 12 times,send help


End file.
